November 1, 2007

An Interview With the FoxTrax Glow Puck!

Boy, are you lucky today! I managed to snag an exclusive interview with one of the biggest sports disasters ever, the Fox glow puck! It'll be ten years this June since the little guy left our hearts and I'm sure you've all been wondering what he's been up to since.

Going Five Hole: So, glow puck, what happened?

Glow Puck: Well, ABC won the hockey TV rights after the 1998 season, so basically I was fired after only working the first game of the 1998 Stanley Cup Finals. I remember when Gary Bettman gave me the news. He called me into his office in New York City and when I got there, he had a grim look on his face. I wasn't sure if he was ill or he was uncomfortable from the stack of telephone books he was sitting on to reach above his desk. I knew I was on thin ice, what with all the public outcry. Yet there was still a minority that loved me! I coulda had another chance to prove my worth, but those f'n Capitals didn't both to show up and got swept. Games five and seven were gonna be mine! The FOX people loved me! They know sports. They know what fans want. Sure I expensive to keep on payroll. Sure FOX lackey's would go into the crowd to grab pucks that flew over the boards to re-use, but boy did I make news.

Going Five Hole: But you do realize that hockey die-hards were repulsed by you and felt your presence made games that of video games.

Glow Puck: Bah! The NHL had all these new fans in the south and wanted to gain more fans. People that didn't follow hockey couldn't follow the puck! I mean, I know it's a black puck on white ice, but come on man, when it's down along the boards no one knows where it is on TV. When Al MacInnis would take a slap-shot, you can't follow that thing! My glow showed you exactly where the puck was and was going. I'm sure I'm the reason that the league expanded into places like Nashville and Columbus. I heard there was a lot of write-in support. Hell, I had such a bright start. Eric Lindros was the first guy to score with me! Hmmm..maybe that was an omen?

Video from the 1997 All-Star Game

Going Five Hole: What have you been up to since your abrupt dismissal?

Glow Puck: Right after Bettman canned me, I went through some months of depression. I felt I had a great contribution to the hockey world, yet they rejected me. I was helping people see the games better! My agent tried calling the Commish several times, but he didn't return the calls. It was then I decided to call Gary myself, but it ended like that scene in Swingers, when Jon Favreau embarrassingly calls that broad a bunch of times and kills his chances. Yeah, I did the same thing...and maybe some booze was involved....maybe some height jokes and swears were involved, too, but whatever, I'm over it.

After I squashed any hopes of me coming back, I offered my services to the other leagues. Wouldn't you want to know where a football is at the bottom of a pile? Or if you're favorite running back is holding the ball in position far enough over the 1st-down marker? Baseball fans would probably desire to see where a home-run ball is traveling, especially close to the foul pole. Even basketball could use my help! Sure, it's pretty easy to see the ball during games, but everyone loves the colors! How about I turn bright red during a slam dunk? Or blue as a 3-pointer is launched? It could be like NBA Jam, but for real...

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The inside of the FoxTrax puck

Going Five Hole: Apparently those ideas didn't work, so who's employing you now?

Glow Puck: I'm not working at the moment. I'm still living off of my original contract with FOX, with whom I still hold a great relationship with. We've pitched back and forth with their executives some reality show ideas that I really think will catch on. It's one of those dating shows with a bunch of girls locked in a house with this rich, model-looking guy. Unlike Joe Millionaire, he really is rich and the girls know it. The idea FOX has for me is those scenes where the girl and guy are either in the dark or out of the hidden camera shot, I'll illuminate their bodies on your TV screen. The hotter their actions, the redder I get. It's still a work in progress.

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How the glow puck worked

Going Five Hole: Any words you wish to say to the NHL and the fans?

Glow Puck: Yes, I do. I've had ten long years to get the following off my chest:

-You people hated me because I made your sport "comical". *laughs* Who's watching now? At least I was on FOX, a national network. What the f is Versus? Where the hell is it on my satellite dish? Now that's a disgrace.

-There's been some rumblings about camera's in the ice so referees can see the puck when it's under a goalie's glove or body. Yeah, like that'll do anything. My glowing would show everyone whether or not the puck is over the line. All that public scrutiny about me totally screwed me. Thanks media and hockey purists.

Ballhype: hype it up!


ScottyWazz said...

I don't care what anyone says-- I loved the Glow Puck.

wingsfanman said...

Would love to own one of these things if anyone has an extra.

Email me if you have one and how much you're selling it for. I'm not rich so don't go crazy.